I'd wear matching sweaters with you
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
