Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
