I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
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