we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
