i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
