I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
