Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
