Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
