we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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