Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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