Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
