My boss' voice literally gives me gas
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize