I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
