i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize