Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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