Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
