Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
