Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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