The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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