You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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