The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Even the bartender felt bad for me
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'm like, not good at living.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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