the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
