I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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