how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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