I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
