her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I wish there were birth control emojis
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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