My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
