i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
