Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
