Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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