i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
This house was built for laser tag.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
