Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
