I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
