I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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