Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
