Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
