his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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