All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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