I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
