you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
