i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
