if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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