I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
