I heard we made out
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
