I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
