While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
