Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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