I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
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