I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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