I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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