For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
