vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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