I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
