everyone is single if you try hard enough
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
