I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I stole a fireplace last night.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
