"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
