Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
