Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
