She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize